True.

 

Today was one of my hardest days in a while. And there wasn't even anything that remarkable about it*. It was just one of those days where you are crawling to the finish line. Once the kids were in bed, I wept briefly and quietly in a warm shower, wondering how my head space can turn from "whatevs" to "oh no, you dih-ent" within the span of a snack time.

I realize a lot of it ties to being able to accomplish tasks. I guess I kind of resent not being able to get things done...? I can logically see that I am on top of a lot of things that get a check in the box at the end of the day, but I suppose I will always want to see more checks. When you're a mom, it's just such an effort to get simple things done at times. And when all the little deferred items start piling up like dishes, paperwork, broken toys that need a repaired part, weeds in the side yard, etc, I guess it comes to a head. And they are all such minor, stupid things, but they clutter my mind and who likes clutter? I at least started writing "keep kids alive and happy" on my to-do lists so I can properly digest the idea that although other tasks remain open at the end of a day, my true purpose was accomplished. But it's hard. And I'm selfish. I want more for me. More time. I feel entitled to time (and sleep!) but feelings of entitlement are petty and don't suit anyone. Ugh. Whine, whine, whine. [Head. Wall. Thunk.]

Although it's the last thing I want to do, I will head downstairs and clean up - perhaps a metaphor for cleaning away this day and starting fresh tomorrow. Power to all the mommas out there. I know I'm not alone: something that gives me strength all of the time.


*Actually, Landon did decide to shmear fecal matter across his carpet and toys today during quiet time in his room. My eyes have seen things that cannot be unseen. The bissell green machine has tried to clean things that cannot be fully cleaned. Ugh. I will tackle it again tomorrow; for now, a conspicuously placed rug will do.