Here's the thing: I don't think I'm ordinary. I don't think anyone is ordinary. My mom was unique. My friends are extraordinary. My dad is special. My brother is outstanding. My kids are effervescent. No one I know is ordinary. But the word just keeps rearing itself in my head as I struggle to fit back into an identity that isn't tied to being a mother. The girl who used to play guitar. The girl who would walk for miles, listening to tunes and nerdy NPR podcasts, with seemingly no where to be. The girl who drew up schematics in her head for writing a tiny novella. The girl who would confidently speak to a room full of nurse executives and time business travel to the minute based on familiarity with a couple dozen airports.
Where all these thoughts land, I don't know. Basically I feel like I'm going into a phase of reclamation. We'll see how far I get, but I think I'll give it a good shot this time.
2 comments:
First, I thought you wrote "time business travelers" and wondered what amazing job you'd stumbled upon and were crazy enough to leave. And also wondered who time travels for business. Also jealous of your guitar skills. I barely even knew how to play Nirvana. Too bad about Japan! Seriously! Luckily, post-child birth, I can laugh at your jokes in the privacy of my own home and no one's the wiser to any temporary loss of bladder function. Anyway, I had a similar conversation with a 45-year-old pal about being a housewife, and the fact that she felt a great big hole of non-achievement really scared me. I'm scared of changing, scared of not changing.
I can relate. So, I just turned 30 and while it shouldn't be a big deal, I'm not exactly feeling great about it. I was just telling a spouse that I wasn't really happy about it. She, an NFO very fit and without kids, was saying she liked it. I told her it just sounds boring when you say I'm a 30 year old stay at home mom. Maybe I'd different if I was still going out and partying or kid-free. Her response, "I'll give you that." :/ But I like being a stay at home mom. I like being boring. And yet, saying it out loud makes me feel like I should aim for more. That it's just stale or typical. Have I always been this boring or is it something in motherhood that's brought it out in me? And while I love listening to NPR podcast, ain't no mom got time for that. Instead a hear brief clips in the car on my way to the commissary or on the way to A's music class..... 31
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